Completely sold out...

In "Christian-ese" there is a term called "sold out".

It means you are completely totally 100% passionate about Jesus and His teachings. You want to show other people how to find Him. You live, breathe, love Him. You pray and listen to the Holy Spirit about every decision. You're so filled with God and what His word says, you just know what He would want you to do.

Being a Christian is living a life of continual transformation, a life that demonstrates how you are becoming more and more like Christ with every step, every leap, every choice.

Here's where I get hung up. I'm really good at knowing what God would have me do with the big things. Like, of course I don't cheat on my handsome husband or steal from a department store. I don't even need to be a Christian to know that's wrong.

It's the little things. The little every day minutia. It's when Cadrian is screaming ear-piercing blood curdling screams and kicking and flailing and I'm trying to get him dressed and the girls are supposed to be picking up their room and need to be re-directed at the same time and need their hair combed yet and I'm still in my nightgown and we need to be leaving for church in 10 minutes and I'm working up a sweat and very literally losing my cool. That's when I need to MOST demonstrate my faith, how Christ-like I am.

In those moments, I more often than not don't act like I'm completely sold out. I don't act like I have the Holy Spirit whispering into my soul, infusing me with His peace. In fact, I CAN'T EVEN HEAR HIM OVER THE SCREAMING!

I do know He's transforming me. I do know the tone in my voice is less sharp than last time, or I handled it more admirably for longer than last time. I do know I can go to Him again and again and He makes those shards of anger and frustration smaller and smaller every time.

Even though I walk out of the house already exhausted, on the verge of tears, wondering what it is I'm teaching my precious family with my attitude because I know I can do it better, I have to try and be pleased knowing that I'm "sold out" and my mind and spirit are continually works in progress.

Slow progress. But progress, nonetheless.